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Over-Parenting Anonymous

Sixth Birthday Fever is running rampant in our household, mostly infecting the five-year-old. However, there is recent evidence that the contagion has spread to my bride. An otherwise fairly sane person (marital decisions notwithstanding), she sent me the following. (I have mercilessly pruned it, ’cause it went ON and ON…)

“Sounds pretty cool, eh?” my wife wrote in attaching this piece of HyperMom Frenzy. It IS full of ideas, but my goodness! What’s the kid going to expect for his seventh birthday party? And then grade 8 grad will have to top that. And prom. And university graduation, if just learning and studying isn’t far too much boring effort by then. I figure that this kid will fully expect to literally go into orbit on his wedding night (ceremony on the space shuttle, honeymoon around Uranus…)

Anyhow, take a listen. Maybe it’s the materialism, maybe it’s the manic effort on the part of all to make this kid’s party the Top of the Charts, maybe it’s the selfishness (who is this FOR, really?), but I find this bloody alarming. (Perhaps you’ll find it superb and think of me ever after as a pinch-faced pessimist. The risks I take!)

For my son’s 6th birthday party, I threw him a Super Hero Training Party. I called each of the parents and asked them questions about their sons: weight, height, distinguishing features, brief personal history, enemies, etc. I then wrote up a dossier on each kid, with TOP SECRET watermarked on the paper. I paper-clipped the dossier, a headshot of the boy, and a cover letter into a manilla folder marked “Top Secret” on the outside. We hand delivered the invitations…’Please come in your Super Hero uniform [scrambling parents make sure their son has an adequate costume; somehow, I’m thinking this isn’t happening in the low-rent district] and be prepared to work hard….We hope you decide to become a part of the…CRIME FIGHTING SUPER HERO LEAGUE.  Regards, Justice Forall.’ 

As the kids entered we had a sign that said ‘Entering Restricted Area, please proceed to handprint recognition and retinal scanning.’ We had two boxes that my brother rigged up with flashlights to check handprints and retinas….When all kids arrived, I handed out their ‘Crime Fighting Super Hero League Training Manual.’ made them in Print Shop using the 1/4 card template. Inside there was three sections: Endurance, Agility, and Marksmanship….[Olympic-type events with stickers for successful completion ensued. Here’s a taste of *Marksmanship\*] I had 50 water balloons ready and a piece of plywood covered in plastic with a bullseye. The manual stated, ‘Hitting the target you are aiming for is an essential skill to fight crime…’ The boys took turns throwing one water balloon at a time at the target…they stood at the back door and threw them out at the target. We handed out their stickers for their training manuals when they had used up all the balloons. When they finished all the events we went back to the ‘Welcome Center’ and had a graduation party….

After the ceremony we had a reception in which I brought in cupcakes decorated with the emblems of Spiderman, Batman and Superman. Right when I brought them in I had my husband (dressed as Dr. Zogie the evil scientist) and my brother (dressed as the Emperor from Star Wars) attack the party, steal the cupcakes and run away. Then I told the boys, ‘You are all now Super Heroes! Remember everything you have learned! Go get the bad guys and save our cupcakes!’ The boys needed no further instruction. They all went running after Dr. Zogie and the Emperor…

FOOD – We served cupcakes decorated with superhero emblems, homemade ice cream and juice. FAVORS – After we were done with food, we proceded with present opening. When the guests would give my son his present, he would hand them a little canvas bag that I had painted their names on. There was candy and more super hero stickers inside. While we waited for the parents, they just ran around the obstacle course, attacked the pillows and ran around like crazy boys do. It was loads of fun and we were all exhausted by the end… 

 So, yes, no question, it’s a deeply admirable effort, and surely the kids had a great time. And if they didn’t already  think the sun rose and set on their wee arses, surely they must by now! Whew! MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! (But sorry, love. We ain’t goin’ there. The Little Prince will live, and more. Trust me.)

Why Read, Anyway? The Power of the Word

Serendipity lives. Despite my love for the contents of my own little basement-bound library, I still find myself looking for (and believing in) the Right Book at the Right Time. I’m an accidentalist by literary nature: am I dialled in to the there are no accidents synchronicity of the spiritually wired world? Or grasping at the bookish straws of superstition? Take your pick.

But I have learned that I don’t need to pack much homefront reading material when I travel, because text will find me. Sure, too often it’s just that day’s sports or entertainment in another town’s newspaper, but it’s surprising how often I whimsically come across a text that I’d been looking for, or one that filled a need I didn’t know I had. Today’s example comes from an aimless stroll through my local library. Living in the big city now – and Ottawa is hugely sophisticated compared to all my tiny towns – libraries are a whole new deal for me. They’re better than the one at home. There’s great stuff everywhere. On my way to the periodicals, I was stopped by the fairly plain cover of a book featured on the end of a shelf. Why Read? was its title, and why not? was my magnetized reply.

It’s another book on the importance of reading, of course, and though I figured it would be overly familiar, the Ol’ Readin’ ‘n’ Writin’ Coach couldn’t pass it by. Published in 2004, its author, Mark Edmundson, is an American professor of literature. I was attracted by his choice of title, yes, and then by the Ralph Waldo Emerson quote with which he opens the book: “Books are the best of things, well used; abused, among the worst. What is the right use? What is the one end, which all means go to effect? They are for nothing but to inspire.” [my emphasis] In the face of a literary establishment that favours detachment, irony and deconstruction (and which he skewers with bitter eloquence), Edmundson takes an unabashedly antique position. “Reading woke me up,” he says, and made him a teacher. His beautifully written opening essay, “Literary Life”, lays out his thesis:

[L]iterature…is the major cultural source of vital options for those who find that their lives fall short of their highest hopes,…our best goad toward new beginnings, our best chance for what we might call secular rebirth. However much society at large despises imaginative writing, however much those supposedly committed to preserve and spread literary art may demean it, the fact remains that in literature there abide major hopes for human renovation.

You will see that Professor Edmundson is not one for the microscope, not an advocate for poetic alienation and identity politics.

“Books…are for nothing but to inspire.” Edmundson starts with Emerson, and builds from there a passionate and sweetly worded argument that is addressed firstly to those (his colleagues) who teach literature, and secondly to students who “read over the shoulders of your teachers”. He laments the loss of a truly liberal education in America: “Universities have become sites not for human transformation, but for training and for entertaining….[S]tudents use the humanities…to prepare for lucrative careers…[to] acquire marketable skills…[or as] sources of easy pleasure.” Edmundson, meanwhile, wants them to be MOVED, “to become other than they are”.

He insists on personal transformation as the basis of a true education. “’You must change your way of life,’ says Rilke’s sculpture of Apollo to the beholder. So says every major work of intellect and imagination, but in the university now – as in the culture at large – almost no one hears.” Mark Edmundson is gloomy about the way that his beloved literature has been used, torn asunder, isolated or completely abandoned in contemporary life, but goes on to suggest the ways it might be rehabilitated, and therefore help to rehabilitate us. He has something of the tone of the prophetic voice crying in the wilderness, and this emotional appeal combined with his reasoned and gorgeous prose lends it real credibility.

I was reminded of another citation of the great German poet Rainer Maria Rilke, this in the Canadian literary journal Brick. Included in the publishing data at the front of each issue is this statement of literary philosophy: “Works of art are of an infinite loneliness and with nothing to be so little appreciated as with criticism. Only love can grasp and hold and fairly judge them.” Professor Edmundson would surely approve my added emphasis, and he echoes this frankly ecstatic tone throughout this excellent book. Why Read? is a profound meditation and a call to ivory tower action. I wonder how many are listening.

George Carlin: The Virtue of Dissatisfaction

I found myself yesterday, in a bathroom not my own, catching up on my reading. In this case, George Carlin’s Braindroppings was the toilet-tank offering. My gentle hosts may have been having fond flashbacks to the venerable comedian’s “Hippy Dippy Weatherman” days when they bought this. Carlin’s intelligence and quirky perspective are all on display here, but I’m not sure Wendy and Bernie knew how vulgar, and how downright misanthropic, Carlin can be. It’s dominated by a deeply angry, even despairing world view that I can’t quite get with, though there are some brilliantly caustic lines. He’s discouraged, but he makes a sour sort of fun of it. There should be a warning label.

That’s not the thing, though. In his introduction to the book, Carlin cites a gorgeous piece of the philosophy of Martha Graham, the great goddess of dance. He counters his own seeming conviction of the uselessness of hope by sharing Graham’s insistence on the importance of individual expression. So, from a sometimes pungent source (and I don’t mean Wendy and Bernie’s bathroom) here is today’s beautiful thing:

There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, nor how valuable it is, nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open….

No artist is pleased….[There is no] satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.

Here’s to openness. Here’s to living. (And to George and Martha — not the Washingtons — my odd coupling for today.)

Four Straight Titles — Does Anybody Hear?

If a basketball team wins four straight national championships and hardly anyone notices, does it make a sound? (Does anybody but Mom and Dad meet them at the airport?) Do they go to Disney World? (Or maybe Ray’s Reptiles?) Will they meet the President? (The President, say, of their own university? Okay, this is Canada, and the school is in Ottawa. Maybe the Prime Minister will…Nah.) Wait. I know what happens. Finals are coming; these guys will probably be in class today. (No, Toto, I don’t think we’re talking about the NCAA anymore.)

Yes, the Carleton University Invisible Ravens did it again, and it makes no sense to me. [Editor’s note: they aren’t actually invisible. They just perform amazing feats of tough effort and athletic intelligence and united commitment when hardly anybody’s looking. Yeah, it’s a CIS thing… CIS, not CSI. We’re talkin’ actual people, not TV science cops. Canadian Interuniversity Sport… Yes, they have sports… Yes, they are sometimes on television, if local-access cable counts… No, they’re actually students at the university they play for…Yes, I’m totally serious!)

The Ravens don’t have an actual point guard nor a real post presence. Their most talented player missed the title run with a bum ankle. They’re outsized almost every night. But the Carleton basketball men do have some mysterious and some blatantly obvious qualities that allowed them to win the National Championship again. They’re fiercely competitive, defensively intimidating without either a shot-blocker or on-ball pickpockets, offensively disciplined without being tentative, and they rebound like their erectile function depended on it. Hey, it’s four in a row, kids. Don’t you think some attention should be paid to these guys?

Manny Jean-Marie just doesn’t make a mistake. For my money, he doesn’t make enough; when their gargantuan home winning streak was broken in January, his cautiousness and deference to teammates was exposed. When the Ravens had even less firepower available in the title game, though, he did more than “just being Manny”: his shots were daggers to the UVic Vikings, not just his stops and big boards and every loose ball. When Carleton actually had point guards during his first two seasons, Ryan Bell was an undersized but athletic forward. Yesterday, he convinced me that maybe the Ravens do have a point guard, one who happens to be their best rebounder. Bell took over the game late, and even got some clear-outs called for him when the shooting star had been taken away. (Finally.)

Because it’s not as if that Star, Osvaldo Jeanty, hadn’t already rained enough threes and drained enough clutch off-balance finishes to be named MVP of yesterday’s final. That, my friends, is another Four Straight. The Wizard of Os has been named the Final Ten tournament’s best man twice, including this year, but he has been Mr. Clutch in the national championship game every time he’s played in it. Four for four. (If CIS basketball ever decides to brand itself, they can just modify the Jerry West-inspired NBA logo with an Os silhouette. And unlike the original Mr. Clutch, Osvaldo actually does go to his left.) And next year, he’s gunning to fulfil the goal he set for himself and his team when Dave Smart recruited him: Coach, we’re going to win the CIS five times by the time I’m done. That’s the plan. Even before all those titles, Dave was a confident and spookily focussed guy, but I’ll bet even he had trouble not smirking. Sure, kid. Yeah. The Carleton dynasty. You bet.

Well, now it’s here. This was the year for the rest of the country to get ‘em, especially with star sophomore forward Aaron Doornekamp on the shelf. Their top 8 players, at least, are expected back. Osvaldo, a Business major, has some unfinished biz to take care of. I hope Os takes a day off. The Drive for Five, though, probably started today. Today, this will be a pretty big story in Ottawa, but not for long. I know Carleton students who don’t know much about the Ravens. Listen, I still can get a buzz about big-money athletics, but I must tell you: this is the most interesting ongoing story in my personal Wide World of Sports.

A Little CRAZY?

I belong to an exclusive group: The Few, The Proud. Apologies to the U.S. Marine Corps, because this tiny assembly I belong to is about as far from American military prowess as can be. No, I’m not a Marine, but I AM one of the approximately 212 people outside of Quebec who’ve seen C.R.A.Z.Y. 

Now C.R.A.Z.Y., for those of you who haven’t been hiding under the same rock as me, was Canada’s selection for Best Foreign Film at the Oscars. It didn’t make the short list there, but it ran roughshod over the competition at the Genie Awards, Canada’s feature film prizes. This Quebec film grossed $6.2 million domestically, a big number for CanFlicks, but almost all of that was within its home province. This didn’t stop it from winning 10 of the 11 categories, including four of the Big Five: best picture, best director (Jean-Marc Vallée), best actor (Michel Côté), and best screenplay (Vallée and François Boulay). Only the best actress nod, to Indian actor Seema Biswas for her role in Deepa Mehta’s Water, prevented the sweep.

(Now help me here, because I have a great piece of Oscar trivia and I’m hoping I am asking the right question. Q: What is the only film (or is it two?) ever to win the Big Five? A: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975). Directed by Milos Forman, with Jack Nicholson and Louise Fletcher taking the acting honours, and a screenplay adapted from Ken Kesey’s superb novel. And a great film it is, too.)

(Oops, but NOT the only one. (Thanks, Google.) Cuckoo’s Nest was the second one, to Frank Capra’s 1931 film It Happened One Night. There you have it.)

Anyway, back to C.R.A.Z.Y.ness. I haven’t seen Water – or St. Ralph, for that matter, but then, neither have you – but based on my viewing and some of the buzz it’s gotten, it’s no surprise that there was a crazy tidal wave at the Genies. It really is a fine movie, with a compelling and timely coming-of-age story, a flawed but hugely charming blue-collar father (Côté), lots of boomer musical nostalgia (Quebeckers knew about Bowie, and they knew Patsy Cline, too) and a surprising number of laughs. There are even some mystical bits that somehow fit right in. (And as a special bonus for me, the soundtrack includes Roy Buchanan, the legendary American blues guitarist, and “The Messiah Will Come Again”. Quebeckers know Roy! I hadn’t been able to find Buchanan on CD until Guitar on Fire turned up on a rack in Chicoutimi, much to my surprise. You may be able to find the more recent Millennium Masters collection – awesome – more easily.) We return now to our movie review, already in progress.

And yes, C.R.A.Z.Y. is in FRENCH. It has subtitles. Get over it! You can read! And if seeing foreign-language films is a new experience for you, well, think of it as a, um, new experience. It’s really not as distracting as many of my Anglo acquaintances seem to think. You won’t miss a thing. And with this crowning at the Genies, and its international success, you never know – C.R.A.Z.Y. may even make it on to a few more Canadian screens. We should hope so.

Tournament Time

It’s March Break for all the school kiddies, and I still feel like taking a week off. I spent a lot of years desperate for the break from the chalk-stained grind of teaching. I’d have put away my whistle by now, too, because high school ball was finished. Provincial championships were decided last Friday (and who won? I can’t believe how clueless I am these days). The days are longer and brighter and the ice and snow are melting furiously.

But the biggest sign of spring is good ol’ March Madness, the NCAA tournament back with all its hoary old stories that I can’t get enough of: the grizzled old coach faces his protégé, the little-known mid-major David faces the big-time razzle-dazzle Goliath, the hard-luck athlete triumphs over his disadvantaged background…(and who knows, he may even graduate one fine day!)

As much as I love Davids — the teams I coached were generally composed of skinny or lead-footed underdogs with slingshot dreams — I’m pulling for Duke. People say they’re the Evil Empire, that they’re the Yankees, for cryin’ out loud, but I don’t see them that way. They’re good because they’re GOOD, because Mikey recruited ’em good and made ’em better. They play hard. They play together. They graduate. And besides, I Was A Teenage Blue Devil, and later coached for years at that same small-town high school. (“Devils Rule!” was our football team’s favourite slobbering victory chant, which might have been a bit disturbing to our local church elders; thank God nobody paid much attention to high school sports! Whew.) In ’01, I went to a fall coaches’ clinic at Cameron Indoor Stadium, where we could watch the Dookies practice and then hear from Coach K and the boys about what they were trying to accomplish. Their practices were tough, disciplined, ferociously competitive and surprisingly profane.

American college athletics is a deeply hypocritical institution, in many ways, and the abuses in the name of big-time sport are easy to find and may be getting worse. But Lord help me, I still love it. And I’ll be trying to find televisions that receive the Tournament, which my home-rigged antenna most emphatically won’t. (We get TVOntario’s sweet and heady offerings, and the local French stations come in pretty well, thanks.)

And I don’t forget the CIS Nationals. The playing levels and, especially, the TV production values are much higher in the Excited States, but I’ll still be paying attention to the Canadian championships. I’ll be conflicted. My alma mater, McMaster, and its terrific coach Joe Raso will be trying to shed their bridesmaid status; they’ve won four CIS silver medals in his 14 years, so they’re in Vikings/Bills territory. Go, Marauders! If they play Carleton, the team I follow closest now, The Dynasty That Came From Nowhere (or perhaps the Smart family driveway), I can’t lose, I guess. Coach Dave is after his fourth consecutive title, and his teams are astoundingly focused. Go, Ravens!

Yes, and Go, Duke, too! And if the UCLA Bruins meet them in the Final Four, a hinted return to the glory days under John R. Wooden, the Wizard of Westwood and my hero, then I will be a little twisted up for that one, too. Go, Bruins! Go, Everybody! (Cripe, Syracuse even has a Canadian kid, Leo Rautins’s son, so I may even have to pull for the Orange a little. Yecch. But not Florida. Can’t stoop that far.)

And while we’re at it, God bless all the countries…

Elise and the Living

I got a note from Elise yesterday. She’s a fine young friend, a former colleague and presently doing a university year overseas in Rotterdam. (Elise’s parents are from the northern part of the Netherlands, Friesland, so this was also a return to the ancestral homeland.) She is an outstanding person, someone I’ll be watching over the next few decades and whom I want my children to know.

Elise is a woman who reaches out for the knowledge and experience that only come with hunger and openness. One of her educational adventures came last year through participating in the Holocaust memorial called The March of the Living. Our family hosts a regular youth-friendly meeting of those seeking to learn more about the Bahá’í teachings, but we gave Elise the floor after her return because her experience was a powerful one and her desire to share it was equally strong. (I wrote an essay about that evening, which can be found in this site’s “On Second Thought” section, or by clicking here.)

Elise wanted to share with all of us a brief  video account of her experience last spring, and I hope you’ll take a look via the above link. It’s well worth the three minutes it’ll take, and you’ll briefly meet Elise and get a slice of what she shared with us last June. Tikkam Olam.  Repair the world.

J-MAC and the Miracle: Everything Sport Should Be

The story of Jason McElwain is going to be a legendary one in American sport. (Legends don’t take as long to build as they used to, nor do they have the same staying power as they once did. So call it a fast-food legend if you must, but don’t miss the story.) The video of the CBS News piece is making the Internet rounds, cheek by jowl with a million profoundly unworthy things. But the “Miracle at Greece Athena High” (miracles may not be what they used to be, either) will receive and deserve a gazillion downloads, because so much of the best of sport is there. So much of the best in life is there.

It happened in February. An upstate New York high school was playing its final home basketball game of the season, a traditional night to honour the graduating players. This is school sport taken seriously and done well. As someone who coached high school hoops for nearly 20 years, the signs are clear in the video, which incorporates large chunks of locally shot game film. It’s a gorgeous gymnasium, full of many hundreds of enthusiastic and knowledgeable fans. Shots of practice make it clear that this is a well-organized, sweat-soaked, excellence-in-education approach to sport. And in the middle of that practice is a slender blonde boy, the team’s manager but obviously much more. His name is Jason.

If you don’t yet know Jason’s story, and especially if you do, here is the condensed version. Autistic boy loves basketball. Coach makes him varsity manager – water, rebounding for practice drills – but doesn’t count on fierce enthusiasm and dedication. Gives Jason a uniform for final home game, hopes to get him in for a minute or two. Gets him nearly four minutes, his team being comfortably ahead. Teammates pass to Jason. He misses badly. And again. And then he hits one, a long three-point heave, and the home team and its fans are wild with excitement. Jason scored! And then he hits FIVE MORE THREES, finishing with 20 points and a perch on the shoulders of a surging hometown crowd that has rushed the floor. Within days, it is a national event, a hopeful, deeply human story and an American dream come true.

And, like every media-celebrated good thing, there are some worrisome elements. Jason McElwain not only had his shining moment on the hometown stage after working in the wings, but now he’s a national, even an international flavour of the week. Apparently a movie deal is in the works. (Shudder.) Beyond the genuine joy that so many feel in his startling accomplishment, there is a real smell of kitsch and opportunism, not only in the media’s ravenous (and brief) glare but also in the indirect aren’t we altogether wonderful? glow of public self-congratulation. There were, no doubt, students among the cheering throng who had previously shunned or harassed this odd boy in school hallways. Too, there is a tendency to dredge up the old “anything is possible in America” mantra and ignore how difficult it is for special-needs kids and their families. It’s worth remembering that this nearly incredible incident does not change how difficult it is for the mentally ill, for the excluded of all kinds, for the poor in a country where it is notoriously painful for those who “don’t make the team” in one respect or another.

That’s enough of the dark side. (But don’t forget it’s there.) I didn’t think about any of those things when I first saw the video, or the fourth time. I got tight in the throat. I watered my cheeks. Understand: I am a True Believer in the beauty and beneficence of sport, and I don’t expect to ever mature enough that I would fail to be moved by athletics at its purest and best. What’s more, I’ve spent thousands of hours on high school courts (almost) like that one. I live there still. So when I saw Jason lighting up his home gym, I enjoyed the Underdog Makes Good theme, like most other people, but there was much more.

That evening encapsulated everything I always wanted high school basketball to be. There was the coach, Jim Johnson, obviously a skilled and dedicated one but also somebody who saw in his sport an unusual chance to do some good for the kind of boy that would never make one of his teams. I don’t know how long Jason has been Johnson’s manager, but his ability to deliver the pre-practice pep talk suggests that he’s been observing Coach Johnson carefully. For an autistic kid to have a coach’s trust and the players’ ears speaks to a long relationship. However many times Jason had been picked on in school, my guess is that this had come to an end once he was adopted by Johnson and the school’s alpha-male athletes. And let’s not forget what else the “miracle”, as told in four minutes, underplays: the old jock adage that “the harder I work, the luckier I get!” Jason had to have used his time in the gym to shoot thousands of shots, whenever his duties allowed him the chance.

There was also a school community that was well aware of Jason’s contributions, and loved him for them before he ever hit the floor that night. In the video, when Coach Johnson signals for his erstwhile manager to enter the game, the crowd is already roaring and his teammates are clapping as he heads for the scorer’s table. The starting players, on the bench by now, rise as one for Jason’s first (missed) shot, and they leap for genuine joy when he hits that first one. Each successive bomb finds these talented young men jumping and cheering deliriously for their “little buddy”, their good-luck charm, their teammate. The Trojan fans’ united ecstasy over “J-MAC” and his miracle run had been preceded by his having earned their respect and admiration; some had come to the game with Jason’s face on a mini-poster, sort of a personalized table tennis paddle. Finally, few have remarked on the opponent on that magic night. I was sure on first seeing the video, and had it confirmed in a later interview given by Mr. Johnson, that he had spoken to the other coach about the possibility of Jason playing. Jason’s big night could not have happened the way it did without the respectful stance of the opponents – not that they “let” him score (6 for 7 from three-point land is hard for a good player shooting in an empty gym), but that they honoured his opportunity to play. That’s great coaching on both sides of the centre stripe.

Who knows what awaited Greece-Athena High School in its playoff run? You’d have to be living there to care much. But for me, the pinnacle of sport had already been reached in the joyful friendship, the respectful regard, and the widespread spirit of hopefulness and wonder that are still rippling outward from one local high school.

Jim Rome is Melting

If you don’t haunt sports radio, you may not know Jim Rome. I didn’t until I switched on The Team one afternoon and thought their regular 20/20 Sports Update guy was on vacation. This newbie (I first thought he was a young local producer pressed into service) seemed to be trying too hard to make an otherwise-average voice sound radio-rugged and testosterone-friendly. (And it cracks under the strain fairly regularly.) He allowed substantial pauses in delivering his opinions and had no fear (or awareness) of repeating himself. I didn’t know it that first time — I switched it off before long — but I had stumbled into The Jungle, into The Jim Rome Show, one of the biggest talk-radio programs in North America, which goes to show what I know…

Rome is known as “Van Smack” to his “clone” listeners (as in talkin’ smack, which used to be called trash-talkin’, which was once known as poor sportsmanship.) “Have a take. Don’t suck” is the challenge to callers, who try to write their way onto the radio, leapfrog their fellow Clones and attack the sports world’s Target du Jour. They consult their Putdown Thesaurus for the most caustic comments and fight-ring ridicule they can manage, hoping to get “racked” for their verbal punches without being “run” for going below the belt. Though I often find it more of a sociological study — “The American Male in His Basement Habitat” — I have warmed to Rome and his followers. It takes a much younger man than me to find the Jungle as funny as it thinks it is, but I often grin at the sheer goofiness of it. It’s a guilty pleasure. (It makes my wife wonder who she married, though. My vegan anarchist son wonders where he came from.)

Rome is very well-prepared, never slips into ums and ahs, and loves some of the best in sport alongside the cheapshots, cheek by jowl with the masculine gossip about the low points of athletic and other celebrity infamy. (Hello, Barry Bonds! Terrell Owens, who’d you push under the bus today? José Canseco, Paris Hilton, come on down! And how can we mock Michael Jackson this week?) The “King of Smack” also manages to pull in a great roster of guests, ironically enough, because his interviews are as bunny-soft (even fawning, at times) as they are meticulously researched. Rome knows his stuff, knows his demographic, and has parlayed it into a radio empire and a TV show called Jim Rome is Burning, which apparently is a condensed and Clone-free version of the radio program.

There is also a distinct thread of morality that runs through the Jungle. Juvenile my town’s not as stupid as your town rants and freakish obsessions with the screwups of the rich and silly are IN, but racism, homophobia, and primitive attitudes toward women are OUT. It’s oddly touching, the line Rome walks while alternately encouraging and mocking the sophomoric preoccupations of his core audience. But he is a loving husband (Allegedly!) and father, too, and he’s not afraid to get soft and squishy or even to go beyond the pro sports playpen.

Case in point: the Jason McElwain story. (It’s the autistic-boy-makes-three-point-good story, the “Miracle at Greece Athena High”. I wrote about it here.) Wednesday, Rome interviewed J-Mac’s coach, Jim Johnson, and yesterday it was his Mom. The whole thing is heartwarming (though I’m a little worried about Mother-Mac’s talk of a movie deal). These are good people to whom a memorable and soul-stirring thing happened. The coach was a great reminder of what sport should do and be. Jason’s Mom reminded us of what families (and especially, the kids) with special needs go through. “Not a week used to go by without Jason being picked on or teased somehow. Maybe that’s over now. We just hope he’ll be able to get an education.” It was sweet and refreshing, and it was obvious that the Jungle felt good about itself for having invited in such a ray of small-town light.

I like it when Rome gets sentimental, and the Clones eat it up like starving men (and a few deeply appreciative women). It feels like spring cleaning, like a warm and sunny weekend after a dull, slushy work-week. It was a fine series of interviews and commentary on its own, and a superb counter to the smack-tacular content of the average Roman day: dissing and dismissing soccer or the Olympics because there’s no tailgating for it in LA. And hey! Nobody’s masculinity seemed threatened at all. 

What’s Next, Contortionists?

Back in February, a friend sent me a link for a juggling video. Gosh, I thought, I love my friends but they send me too much junk email. And then, as I have to do so stunningly often, my words needed seasoning and a good hard chew, because I’ve just watched the greatest performance in the history of humankind. There! Well, maybe not, but it surely brought a spark of — what, diversion? sparkle? a slice of joy? — to my quiet corner.

It was a comedian called Chris Bliss – that can’t be his real name, but if it is, he must have learned to juggle to escape the schoolyard taunting – who finishes off his act with a juggling routine. A la David Byrne in the concert video Stop Making Sense, he clicks on a portable stereo (playing “The End” from Abbey Road), takes out three white balls and starts bopping with the Beatles. I found it thrilling. Seriously! This guy has rhythm and hands. Listen, I’ve watched my share of empty-headed television, so I’ve seen people juggle chainsaws and tomatoes, all kinds of kinky things in great numbers, but this was musical and witty and pretty darned dextrous.

Then I managed to delete it before sharing, but Googlation got me to SonnyRadio, a site for a radio host in San Antonio with a bizarre niche: he likes to make people feel good about being alive. Pretty corny, but it could catch on.